Why aren't you a Trump supporter?

A real man doesn’t grab women by the p***y

It’s uncool to lurk around teenage girls’ dressing rooms

I respect other cultures and don’t respect those who don’t

My friend asked my crush and he said my crush hates me but not in a rude way. What does that mean?

I have no sicko desire to control women or have a bizarro hangup with “blood”

When I go Greenland shopping and Denmark says no I don’t melt down like a fucking WIMP

I can count

My stepdaughter’s mom tells her I’m not a real dance teacher, but my stepdaughter has seen me in action. Why does she still question my abilities?

I don’t hide in my hotel room while everybody else keeps the appointed time and place because my hair might get wet

Fuck that piece of orange shit, fuck his idiocracy, fuck his sexism, fuck his racism, fuck his religionism, fuck his divisionism, fuck his lying, fuck his orange face paint, fuck his worship of Cult of Ignorance, fuck his Cult, fuck his jingoistic horseshit, fuck his manuipulations, fuck his toddler-age WIMPism, fuck his fucked-up values of ME ME ME and did I mention ME, and fuck him personally with a giant razor sharp dildo that’s been preheated to 204.7° F and built to the dimensions of the Washington Monument. Slowly.

I understand that when you lose an election you step the fuck aside and take it like a man rather than invade the Capitol while your loss is being made official just because you’re a fucking snowflake WIMP

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I have an acute aversion to scumbags

I don’t call Tim Cook “Tim Apple” and if I do I don’t deny what’s right there on the videotape because I’m too much of a fucking WIMP to handle Reality

I don’t pretend not to know who David Dooky is just because he can deliver votes

What are "the new net zero jobs of tomorrow" that SNP's Stephen Flynn says his party would create?

I know the difference between “give me your tired, your poor” and “they’re poisoning our blood”

I have complete contempt for intentional stupidity

I don’t believe there is a fucking “president of the Virgin Islands”

Why do most people care so much about what others think? Are they afraid of society norms?

I know who the president of Turkey really is

I don’t watch or listen to advertising

I know the difference between Sioux City and Sioux Falls and even Sioux Center

When was the first time you suck on a penis?

I know the difference between “George Bush” and “Jeb Bush”

I know there’s no such thing as invisible planes

I see through liars

Why hasn't Japan legalized same-sex marriage?

I can read

I didn’t get out of military service with fucking “bone spurs” that I paid a doctor to write

I understand that you can’t just fucking nuke a hurricane

Can being annoyed be a sign of getting angry?

I know what Nikki Haley’s authority with the National Guard is

I don’t hold serial bankrupters in high regard

I don’t believe that Saudi Arabia and Russia “will vedoop bedeep uhhhh”

Which country has the best and strictest legal system in the world?

I understand geography enough to know that Belgium is not a “beautiful city”, that Paris is not in fucking Germany, that India does share a border with China, that that border is peppered with Bhutan and Nepal, not “Button” and “Nipple”, that time zones exist, that “shithole countries” do not, that “England” and “the UK” are not the same thing, that you cannot build a wall in Colorado to keep out New Mexico, and that the Bronx is not and has never been “a very wonderful place in fucking Germany”

Those are a few reasons off the top of my head. How ’bout you?

I don’t cotton to rapists

I told my 13-year-old daughter that she should never start a fight, but has my permission to end it. She got suspended for ending a fight that some other girl picked with her by hitting her then retreating. How do I handle the school’s response?

authoritarians can get down on the floor and bite my ass, yesterday

I understand historical events enough to know there were no airports in the eighteenth century, that Canada didn’t burn the White House half a century before it existed and that World War Two already happened

I have complete contempt for traitorism

I have complete contempt for fakery

I have a reading level above third grade

I don’t buy bullshit

I don’t buy made-up stories of “thousands and thousands of people dancing on rooftops”

I know that if I or anyone I know commits a crime we’ll go to the clink

I have complete contempt for fraudsters, and even less for repeat ones

I don’t believe in asking the people of Iowa “how stupid are the people of Iowa”

It’s uncool to set up soft porn pics with your own preteen daughter

I understand how hurricane paths work

I took the same Oath and took it seriously

I don’t believe Nazis, Klan klowns and white supremacists chanting “Jews will not replace us” comprise “very fine people”

I actually pay taxes

I don’t believe the way to respond to a hurricane is to call a press conference to describe it as “wet from the standpoint of water”, to distribute Play Doh, or to stand at a podium throwing rolls of paper towels as if they were bottles of ketchup

I don’t respect a sleazeball who lies about his height just so he can lie about his weight

I know that sounds DO NOT cause cancer.

I respect women and don’t respect those who don’t

I don’t run and hide from a debate like a fucking WIMP just becuase some moderator asked pointed questions

When a reporter declines to join me in the rooftops fantasy I don’t go on stage and gyrate to mock his congenital disability

I don’t respect shameless hucksters who try to sell a vitamin where you have to mail in your pee

I know that he didn’t run against “Obamna”

EVEN FUCKING MIKE PENCE understands that

I’ve never tried to pretend the word would means wouldn’t

I understand that you can’t inject bleach or light

Let us count the ways. Captain Obvious says:

If someone works for me, I actually pay them